I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
50% drunk capacity currently
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
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