why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
