peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
