So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
