I'm going to jail i love you
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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