i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
