I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
