This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
