I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
