my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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