chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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