I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
