belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
