What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
