he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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