someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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