right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We are two peas in an std pod
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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