Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
