I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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