Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
