I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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