You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Houston, we have a blender
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
