You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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