I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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