i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
