she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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