Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
