I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
