don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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