I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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