Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
