Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Someone signed my nipple.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
