what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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