I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
