true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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