you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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