I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
