I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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