She is in my trunk
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
