people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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