my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
