I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
