glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Randomize
