Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
