She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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