the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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