i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you made out with another girl for some wings
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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