i jhust puked up my retainher.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
