is your mom at the bar?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
