I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
